Dark Night of the Soul and How Songwriting Helped Me Through It
The song that I talk about in this blog:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f0lVIhb4X2Q&feature=youtu.be
Hello everyone, my name is Peter, not the typical voice on this blog, but I just wanted to introduce myself before I start. I’m a songwriter, I’m 27, and I met Grace a couple of months ago, we’re both trying to grow as entrepreneurs, and bring value to the people that come across our content. So, this is a story of me climbing out of the hole that I found myself in, and how through songwriting, I was able to channel a message of support from the Universe that helped me to keep going.
So, back in 2014 I went into a total breakdown in my life. What had happened was that I had just finished the 1st year of my College Degree in Computer Science. Now, this degree was not something that I deeply wanted. I loved the people that studied it, I found it a little bit interesting, but it was not where I wanted to end up. In some job somewhere writing code all day. It wasn’t my thing. But, what my school had provided me with was a sense of safety, a sense of approval from my parents, and also a way to escape from my emotions (escape myself), so I didn’t have to feel them.
Well, turns out running from all of your emotions and chasing approval doesn’t lead to anything good. Next year, I had a breakdown. It was the first time that I started having panic attacks. And because I had been running away from my emotions not just the previous year, but all of my life until then, it wasn’t just stuff from the previous year that was coming up, but all the stuff from the 20 years up until then. It was intense, the Universe had thrown me into the deep end, and I had no idea how to swim.
I ended up going to a mental hospital for a month, I thought that they had the tools to help me, but they didn’t. They just made everything worse, and with the drugs that they were putting me on, it was literally diminishing my trust in myself more and more.
It was brutal, I went through a period of being in the hospital and out of the hospital and in the hospital again, and then out. Finally deciding to take things into my own hands and start taking steps to get out of this cycle.
So I did. I had no idea what I was doing. And there was literally no one that I could find that knew anything. I was in the depth, feeling like I’ll never be capable of doing anything, and that I will be homeless and on the street. I didn’t wanna live anymore. The spiritual gurus that I was finding at the time were extremely punishing to listen to. Either they were too positive and totally ungrounded, or some were super punishing, and in the mentality of “If you can’t do this, you’re useless.” So, it took a while before I found Teal Swan, the only one that was actually willing to talk about feeling suicidal and what to do, to help yourself get out of that. I also learned how feeling your emotions is the most important thing to learn to do. So, I started my journey of healing. And it wasn’t just “Now you’re feeling your emotions and everything is ok now”. No, I had to start building up my confidence, and keep moving.
So, I kept going. One foot in front of the other. I wasn’t gonna fall behind. It was slow, much slower than my peers in college, but I was moving, and I was happy about it. I joined this support group, where we went on hikes and met up each week. It was very much a group that idolized high performers, so that was what I was learning to be. Looking back on it now, what I would’ve needed was someone to talk to, that was supportive, but this group was the best I could find at the time.
About 5 months after I joined the group, I started going back to my guitar. Just playing around, not really thinking much of it. It was nice to find ideas again, and to allow myself to express again. Allow the messages to come through again. So I did. I was in the middle of the exam period. Not the best time for this, but creativity always seems to flow with me when it’s the least appropriate time. Hehe
I remember this one song, that was super powerful, that came through as I was watching a video titled “How to Handle a Panic Attack” (This is why the song is called “How to Handle…”). It was honestly one of those songs that I could feel really lifting me up, as I was creating it. I just remember playing the verse and singing to it “Where have you been, all of my life”...”We’ve been crashing and burning”. Talking to the inner child, that was in so much fear all of this time. And then in a single moment I accidentally made the bridge that took the song to a totally different place “So, lift up your head”, “Feel no need, to make amends”,... It was talking about being courageous, and encouragement. Felt like the Universe wanted to send me a message. I could definitely feel it lifting me up. And then the peak of the song “One”, “We’re one”. It was what I needed to hear, even though I didn’t fully get it at the time. I was a part of consciousness, and the Universe wanted me to keep moving towards my desires again. Courageously.
And so I did. Slowly, I got back into the rhythm again. Gaining my momentum, gaining more courage to do bigger and bigger things. I quit the support group, because I no longer needed it. I quit my studies soon after as well. I no longer wanted to pursue Computer Science, and I started going towards my dream job, which was music. I had always felt a calling towards music, and emotional healing/conscious work. So now, I’ve come to a point where I am starting to turn this into my job, and I could not be happier. It’s work, as is everything in life, but there’s nothing more fulfilling, then doing what I want for a living.
Music has provided me with so many healing experiences. Listening to other people’s music, creating my own music, allowing parts of myself to express, and then that expression allowing other people to feel those emotions and feel like they’re not alone in their experiences. It’s amazing. So, all that I can say is that I am thankful to the Universe to have gotten me from where I was back then, to where I am today. And I’m not stopping either.
Thank you Grace for putting me on your blog, hope you guys enjoyed my story. Here’s some places where you can follow me.
Youtube:
https://www.youtube.com/user/benwest123i/featured
Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/peter.the.songwriter/
Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/PetersSongwritingAcademy
My Website (For those that wanna learn about songwriting):
Alright everyone, have a great day or night, wherever you may be. And thank you for taking the time to read my story.
Much love, and see you guys,
Peter
"Have Courage And Just Put Your Music Out There" - Peter Colaric, Singer/Songwriter
Quantum Nurse You-Tube Podcast
